Exposing Hillary So She Won't Get Elected

Toilet-gate: What Really Happened at the Last Democratic Debate?

In what passes for “something that matters,” the media is attempting to make a story out of the mystery surrounding why Hillary Clinton was late getting back on the stage at the last Democratic debate.

The former first lady apologized to the live television audience Saturday for returning to the Manchester, New Hampshire stage late with just a simple “sorry.” The fact is that Clinton returned late because she was using the restroom during the commercial break at St. Anselm College. She reportedly had exactly one minute and 45 seconds to walk out of the gymnasium to the women’s restroom, and exactly the same amount of time to return back to the stage. Even the Lizard People are not immune from having to go the bathroom.

But why was Hillary late? That is where the mystery lies. There are two dumb explanations, and one likely true one.

The first dumb explanation was put out by the Clinton camp itself. They claimed that the women’s room was significantly further away from the stage than the men’s room, so Hillary had to walk further than her male competitors. This implied some sort of odd-ball unfair advantage to Sanders and O’Malley. The explanation is unconvincing. The Clinton team knew ahead of time where the toilet was, and could have made preparations, such as using a golf cart, or repurposing another restroom. Heck, even a port-a-potty.

The second dumb explanation was that a female Martin O’Malley staffer got into Hillary’s designated toilet before her. As that staffer is now the girlfriend of disgraced former NY governor Elliot Spitzer, Hillary refused to share the toilet room with her. This makes no sense because it makes no sense; there are multiple stalls and who cares who is peeing next door?

The only actual makes-sense-explanation is (Occam’s Razor!) the simplest one. Hillary is protected by the Secret Service, and their protocol is that no one but their protectee is allowed to occupy a restroom at the same time. Somebody screwed up and did not clear the toilet in time. Embarrassed by the mistake, not wanting to reveal security protocol, and not wanting to make Hillary seem even more regal (She won’t even share a toilet!), the other stories were created.