Exposing Hillary So She Won't Get Elected

Hillary Wants a Wall (Satire)

After several polls showed that various Republican candidates’ plans to build walls against immigrants seemed to resonate with voters, Hillary Clinton summoned her top aides into the jacuzzi for a high-level pow-wow.

“Dammit, why am I the last one with this? All the good walls are taken!” screeched Clinton as she demanded John Podesta soap her back. “Trump claimed the Mexican border for his wall. Then, who was it, Ted Cruz said he’d build a wall on the Canadian border. Christ alone knows what for, but he picked up three points right after Fox carried the story. John, a little lower. Lower. Are you freaking deaf? When I say lower, I mean unmarked classified lower!”

The staff were unsure how to respond, so it fell to Clinton’s closest confidant, Huma Abedin, to break the really bad news.

“Mommy, our operatives in the other campaign headquarters tell us that Jeb is coming out soon with a wall plan for Florida, leaving only a teeny, tiny door for Cubans and narco traffickers. Walker of course claims he’ll build a wall on his state’s northern border, even though that’s actually with the upper peninsula of Michigan; he says his supporters are too dumb to know anyway. There’s a big, big scramble on to nail down the entire West Coast for a wall against anchor babies, though our research shows most of their pregnant moms fly in anyway. It has gotten to the point where this is just crazy talk.”

Hillary made a little squeaking sound as Podesta reached for the soap.

“And may I ask who is claiming the space for an East Coast wall?” commanded Hillary.

“It’s part of Jersey, madam,” whispered Cheryl Mills. “Christie’s got it.”

“So what do we do?” Clinton purred, her own hands no longer visible above the soap bubbles.

“Ma’am, I have an idea,” said an intern from the back row. He wasn’t supposed to speak, just hand out warm towels, but saw his chance. “How about many walls? I propose you propose to build individual walls around each illegal immigrant, every one of them. While the rest of those candidates have their big, dumb single walls, we’ll have as many as we want, more in battleground states.”

“I like the cut of your jib, boy,” said Hillary. “The rest of you, leave us now. I have an intern to misuse for a little payback.”