Exposing Hillary So She Won't Get Elected

Clinton Offers Biden Secretary of State Position (Satire)

Citing “Hey, it worked for me,” Hillary Clinton today offered Joe Biden the job of Secretary of State if he’d agree not to enter the presidential race against her.

When reminded that she had not yet even been elected president, and thus was not in a position to select Cabinet secretaries for her administration, Clinton made a “Psss”-type sound as if to dismiss the question.

“Look buddy, Barack offered me the Secretary of State job months before he was elected, so this isn’t some big deal. I was getting my ass kicked anyway, so I took it in return for dropping out of the race in 2008. I’m just offering Biden the same chance.”

“But let’s sweeten the deal,” said Clinton. “I’ve got half the Saudi royal family on speed dial, ready to flood some bullsh*t foundation Biden sets up with cash, the same unmarked Benjamins they send to Bill and me via courier. And if that ain’t enough, and Biden plays hardball, I can arrange for the top five banks on Wall Street to offer his wife six figure ‘speaking fees’ as soon as he makes his announcement to not run. I’m a party player as well. Joe doesn’t need to kiss my backside until after I’m in the Oval Office. For now, he’s allowed to get away with the old ‘spend more time with my family’ line Washington loves.”

But what about Elizabeth Warren, Clinton was asked.

“If Warren ever wants to see her extended family again, she better stick to our existing deal to stay on the down low. I certainly wouldn’t want any accidents to happen, if you know what I mean. You, too, watch your step, journalist boy.”