Exposing Hillary So She Won't Get Elected

Hillary’s Server Arrested (Satire)

In shocking news, Hillary Clinton’s server was arrested and is now in an FBI detention facility in an undisclosed location.

After initial confusion that the “server” was the State Department political appointee moonlighting as Clinton’s sysadm, and later false reports that the “server” was actually an illegal Mexican named Raoul hired by the former Secretary of State to paint her toenails and fetch her cool drinks at the tinkle of a small sterling silver bell, sources at the Justice Department clarified that the arrest was for the actual hardware itself.

“I can confirm,” said a Department of Justice spokesperson, “that today at 4 am agents of the Federal Bureau of Investigation slapped the cuffs on a beige 1998 Gateway 486 computer box, running a bootleg copy of Windows 95. The hardware was arrested alongside a 2400 baud modem. The modem and 512k of the computer’s 640k worth of memory are fully cooperating with law enforcement to help us prosecute the PC itself. We are charging the PC with numerous violations of national security laws focused on wanton disregard for the protection of classified information and making repeated false statements to the public in an attempt to cover up those violations.”

The very unusual development — arresting and charging an inanimate object instead of a person — came about only after Justice officials realized Hillary Clinton could never be arrested or prosecuted for any crime whatsoever due to her status as the Chosen One.

“Look,” said one anonymous source now in the Witness Protection Program, “Hillary could murder another person on live TV, claim she was the victim of partisan politics and a smear campaign by Fox, and walk away. Look at the trail of bodies already behind her if you don’t believe me. Under those circumstances, you think we’re gonna get away popping her for some boring old emails about drone strikes? Jeez, the American people have been ignoring drone strikes and foreign affairs for a decade anyway.”

“At the same time,” the official continued, “what was done here was so egregious, illegal and detrimental to the security of the United States that we felt we sorta had to do something. Especially after we hung Petraeus out to dry over much less. We first considered a really snarky Facebook post, and then The House of Clinton offered us up our choice of interns to arrest, but even we felt that was unfair. So, we arrested the computer itself.”

Clinton herself had no comment other than to tell the inquiring reporter to “your family will be dead by nightfall.”